


Thinking Out Loud

by PostSochiFeels



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 09:47:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20225830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PostSochiFeels/pseuds/PostSochiFeels
Summary: It's all going to be okay in the end.





	Thinking Out Loud

He slowly walked down the hushed corridor, the smell of medicine and the sound of machines that kept track of heartbeats following his every step. His eyes moved back and forth, carefully searching for the room number that the nurse at the desk had given him. He hated hospitals as a rule and was thankful that he had been able to avoid them for much of his life. There had been occasions, of course, his parent’s deaths, the children's births, her surgeries, but he had been lucky to have had no major cause to be in one himself as yet.

He wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for his children. He hadn’t seen her for several years. Lives continuing and interrupting as they tend to do. They had talked on the phone now and then, but he couldn’t recall the last time they had spoken and he had no idea she was ill.

_ “You need to go see her Dad.”_

_“They told us they don’t know how bad she is.”_

_“She’s still special to you, isn’t she Dad?”_

He couldn’t very well deny that. She was very special to him, and always had been.

He hesitated outside of her room. He didn't think he could bear to see her in pain. He never could. He stayed away after her first surgery. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing her trying to recover and possibly having to deal with the news that she couldn’t walk anymore if the surgery didn’t work. It had been selfish and he felt horrible about it still. He could never truly forgive himself for how horribly he had treated her that first time.

_"You should be there for her."_

_"I am."_

_"You're here. Not there. She needs your support. Go to her!"_

_"She's strong. She'll be fine. I need to keep my skills up while she recovers." _

She hadn’t been fine. She needed another surgery a year or two later. He sucked up his fears and stayed with her that time. It terrified him to think that she might not recover from this one, but he stuck by her side and was with her every step of the way. She had recovered, of course, she was tougher than he ever could conceive of being. He had left her again, but that was another story.

He leaned on the door and took a deep breath. Even after all these years, the thought of seeing her again took his breath away. He took a few moments, just leaning with his forehead against the cool grey door, eyes shut and silently praying that he could still be strong enough for her. That he could be there for her like she had been there for him - always.

He had to do this. Drawing in another breath, he gently pushed the door open. 

She lay pale and still, looking impossibly small under the thin hospital bed covers. Her hair fell in gentle waves over her shoulders and was still stubbornly dark. He grinned ruefully as he patted the thinning gray hair that sat atop his head. He knew she was as gray as he was, but would never admit it. A small tube was inserted in her wrist and the machine beside her bed beeped out the rhythm of her heart. He winced as he realized that at one time, the machine would have mimicked the rhythm of his heartbeat as well as hers.

He settled into the empty chair that had been pushed up beside the bed. One of her family members had left it there, he thought, perhaps one of her children. He let his mind drift back to a time when there wouldn’t have been her children and his children, but their children. It had always been his dream. Hers too, he thought at one time. But she had gently rebuffed him and he had driven right into a collision course of failed relationships and marriages that had thankfully given him his four amazing children, Patrick, Alexander, Charles and his youngest, Emily. He truly didn’t know what he would do without them. He had been single for many years now and the children were his greatest support system. 

Her life, fortunately, had been much more stable than his. She had done her promotions, endorsements, and advertising while she was still relatively young. Driving herself down a hectic course that led her to wealth beyond imagining. She had her share of beaus, finally settling down in her late forties. He stood with her as her man of honour as she married her future husband, his heart beating a jealous rhythm the whole time. But her husband had been wonderful for her and patient as she went through numerous attempts at in-vitro to have a child of their own. They ended up with triplets (Anna, Elizabeth, and Scott) and she almost died giving birth to them. He missed that hospital stay too, he had been out of the country with one of his wives at the time.

She was never really the same after that. 

He visited often in those days, bringing his children over to help with hers and give her some time to relax. She got tired so easily and the children needed her constant attention. Her live-in nanny would swoop in when they became too much for her and to give them time to visit in peace. They would sit and talk, or watch movies, but any attempt at going for a short walk or even strolling through her beautifully landscaped back garden would leave her breathless and needing rest. She would have her moments. She'd be feeling good and call him up, planning a visit to the zoo or the park with all the kids, but she would pay for it for days after. 

Gradually, they drifted apart once more. The children were growing and demanding more of their time with school and activities. They checked in with one another on holidays and birthdays, always had a required ring on the phone to share best wishes. As he gazed upon her sleeping face, he suddenly realized he didn't know her anymore. He didn't know her favourite book or movie. He didn't know how her husband was, or what her children were doing. At one time he would have just known, just as well as he would have known those facts about himself. This thought finally brought the tears to his eyes and he grasped her small hand in his, holding gently, but firmly. How did they drift so far apart? Why had he allowed it to happen? They always knew how to hurt each other where it would hurt the most. When they were younger it had happened repeatedly. As they aged it happened less, but they still knew exactly where to throw the barbs. After everything they had shared, to be reduced to two strangers by the whims and circumstances of their lives was the saddest thing he could think of.

He turned his head at the whoosh of the door opening, only to be greeted by a smiling nurse doing her rounds.

“Haven’t seen you here before?”

“No, I just heard she was admitted. I’m an old friend.”

“Ah, well it’s nice that you came. It’s mainly been family up to see her. She will be happy to see a familiar face.”

Would she though? He wondered as the nurse bustled around recording the data on the clipboard at the end of the bed. What would she honestly think about seeing him again, after so much time apart?

“Just ring the buzzer if she needs anything when she wakes. I’ll be at the desk.”

He nodded in acknowledgment and watched her as she hustled back to the desk.

Deciding that he couldn’t leave before she woke up, he settled into the chair more comfortably and held her hand lightly in his. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her eyes fluttered open at the sound of tears and muffled apologies. It took her a moment to realize who was in the chair and when she noticed her hand was held warmly within his, it brought a smile to her face.. She studied his features, a slight frown marring hers as she realized he was sobbing. He was older, certainly, she was too, but she could still see the handsome young man he used to be. His face and frame looked fuller but he wasn't anywhere near being out of shape, especially for his age. 

She wondered who told him she was here. One of the kids, she supposed. Their children had kept up much better with each other than they had. She couldn't think of the last time they saw each other and this made her ponder the whys of their relationship over the years. She had often wondered where things had gone wrong and why. When they did see each other, it always felt like one or the other was ripping a scab off a bad wound just to watch it bleed.

_"I love you. Will you marry me?"_

_"I'm...I'm not sure I'm ready."_

_"I love you so much."_

_"I love you too, but.."_

_" You're not sure."_

_“It’s not that, it’s…”_

_“I’m ready. I can find someone else who is.”_

She had considered what would have happened if she said yes to him. Would they still be together? Would they have continued to hurt each as only they knew how? He abandoned her for a time when he found someone else and it hurt to attend the ceremony and see him get married to his rebound girl. But she was there for him through every relationship collapse and she stood by him when every marriage went under, just like the good partner she was. He came back to her when necessary or whenever he needed her. He was there for her when she got married, but she had recognized that jealous clenching jaw as she said her “I do’s”. 

“Why are you crying?”

He looked up into her still dazzling green eyes. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“How long have you been here?”

He adjusted his glasses and glanced at his watch. “About an hour or so.”

“Why were you crying?” she repeated.

“I was just thinking about us,” he replied simply. “And how stupid I was all those years ago.”

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s a long story. I’ve just had too much time to sit and think,” he admitted. “Why are you here? The kids didn’t tell me, they just said I needed to come.”

“I’m so happy that our children are such good friends.” she sighed. “They make sure we are taken care of.”

“We did raise pretty damn fine children.” he agreed.

“I fell at home when I was alone,” she explained. “Anna found me. I gave her a terrible fright.”

“Where was Christopher when you fell?”

“Chris has been dead for almost a year.” Her voice was low and whisper quiet.

“I...I’m sorry.” he stammered. “I didn’t know.”

“We had a private ceremony. He didn’t want a big show.”

“You miss him.”

“He took good care of me,” she admitted.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated. Sorry for not knowing Christopher had passed and not being there for her when he had.

“It’s okay.” she patted his hand gently. “You didn’t know.”

“From what I understand you’ve been here longer than you should be for just a fall.”

“I’m not likely to walk again,” she stated plainly. 

“What?” His mouth fell open in shock. “What happened?”

She explained to him how her legs were betraying her once again but after years of stress and strain, nothing could help now. She told him about her hip replacements and arthritis in her knees as if she was telling him about the weather. She had been expecting the news for some time now. She would spend the rest of her life in a wheelchair.

He hung his head low. Yet another thing he had missed in her life. He wondered why she was the one who took all the hits and he just sailed through life with no concerns. He wondered how it didn’t seem to bother her and she could just smile serenely through it all. It just wasn’t fair.

“I’m so very sorry.”

“For what?”

“For everything. I’ve been a horrible person, a terrible friend. I’ve missed so many milestones in your life that I should have been there for.”

“You had a life too. I don’t expect you to be there for me every single time.” she chided.

“I should have been. You’ve always been there for me.” 

They fell into an agreeable silence, lost in their memories and their thoughts. He caressed her hand as he thought back to their glory days when they were young and in love and he was stupid enough to think it would last forever. And yet, in a way it did. Here they were, together, long after any spouse or significant other. It was poignant in some strange way.

“I love you.” Her quiet voice roused him out of his reverie.

“Pardon?” He looked up and studied her solemn face.

“I love you.” she repeated. “I’ve always loved you.” 

Her quiet voice humbled him. He loved her too, but he had done nothing to deserve that love in return. Instead of waiting for her all those years ago, he had just jumped into one failed relationship after the other and went running to her with his tail between his legs when each one combusted. And she had been there for him, a shoulder to cry on when he needed to cry, an ear to listen when he needed to talk. He just kept making the same mistakes and she had always been there to fix his cracks.

“What’s that?” she asked, straining to make out his mumbled words.

“Oh nothing, just thinking out loud I guess.”

“Are you in a relationship now?” She wanted to broach the subject cautiously but then decided to jump in with both feet, so to speak.

“No, no,” he assured her. “Catherine was the last one and she wanted to travel all the time. There’s no place left I need to see.”

“I see.” she murmured. She never thought Catherine would last. She had been 20 years younger than him and money-hungry. He had no money left and when Catherine realized that she quickly moved on to another victim.

“I always saw us together when we were old and grey, sitting hand in hand watching the sunset.” he blurted out. “I told myself I would be there to carry you when your legs didn’t work anymore. I’d be there for you when no one remembered who the hell we were.”

“Do they remember who we are?” She grinned that saucy smile at him that he had hoped she still had, the one that made him smile like a lunatic in return.

“Well, here we are.” She glanced down at their joined hands. “We’re old, you’re grey and you will need to carry me around all the time now.”

He laughed out loud. “What are you saying?”

“Do it right this time.” she simply said.

He stared at her, the love plain on her face and hopefully on his as well. He slid out of the chair and onto one knee, which prompted her to pummel his shoulder and tell him to get up before he couldn’t walk either. 

He threw his head back in laughter and stood with the assistance of his cane, his joints popping as he did. 

“I want to do everything right this time.” he told her. “You deserve it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And he did. From the moment she left the hospital he was there for her, pushing her to the car in the hospital loaned chair, lifting her as easily as ever out of the car and into her house. Elizabeth guided him to her mother’s spacious bedroom.

“No, we can sit and visit for a bit.” she insisted. “The kids would love to see you again.”

Switching direction, he gently set her on the plush sofa and sat in the easy chair beside her. Instinctively his hand reached for hers and they sat with their joined hands resting on the arm of the sofa. The kids smiled and nodded, knowing they had been right in telling his children he needed to visit.

They talked the night away, trying to catch up on years in mere hours. The more they talked, the sadder he got about everything he missed. Tears filled her eyes as he relayed his tales of romantic woe. No one seemed right for him and not one had lasted. But at least they had good enough chemistry to have the children, he grinned, as he told her proudly about them and their accomplishments.

She trilled off the achievements of her children, even as Anna and Elizabeth were begging her to stop and get some rest. They finally gave up, offering hugs and kisses, as they left for their own families. Her son stayed behind, keeping out of their way so they could continue catching each other up on their lives. As they talked, he would peep into the room, making sure his mother was still okay.

“Why did you name him after me?” he asked, as her son breezed through, checking for refreshments that needed topping up, he claimed.

“Because you were very important to me and I wanted to honor you.” She squeezed his hand. “You are almost the most important man in my life.”

His eyes burned with unshed tears. “Your husband…”

“His full name is Scott Christopher Casey Redpath.” she told him. “Chris understood why I picked his first name and he never argued me on it.”

“Emily is Emily Tess.” he confessed. “Elena wasn’t very happy about it, but I was insistent. I couldn’t very well have given any of the boys your name.” He glanced her way and smiled jubilantly when she gave him that laugh that he missed so much.

“See, we were always thinking of each other, even if we weren’t there for each other.” She patted his cheek and smiled fondly at him. 

“Mom are you ready for bed now.?” 

She nodded her assent. “I am getting a bit tired.”

“Thank you, sir, for spending time with mom tonight. We all appreciate what you’ve done for her.”

“She’ll need someone with her.”

“I’m staying, I’ll take very good care of her.”

She beamed that smile at him before her son wheeled her off. “See, he’s well named. Always looking after me.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And so began their renewed relationship. 

Most of his days were spent at her house, he would bring her her favourite chocolate-covered donuts that she wasn’t supposed to have and they would watch Jeopardy, calling out the answers as quickly as they could, challenging each other still. They laughed in unison when one of the questions was about them and no one knew the answer.

“I guess they have forgotten about us.” she pouted.

“Finally.” he sighed.

He would take her on long, glorious drives, anywhere she wanted to go. She’d sit in the passenger seat with her hand trailing out the window as she sang along to the radio. He would just watch her, happy to be making her happy finally, the way he should have all along.

They shared dinner dates and lunch dates and, surprising themselves, birthday dinners.

“How old are you now?” she joked as he ripped the paper from a gift box.

“You’re only as old as you feel.” he answered, triumphantly holding aloft a leather-bound book. He flipped through and tears spattered the plastic pages as he took in the photos of them that her children had found and taken of them.  


“How old do you feel?” she murmured.

“I feel 23.” he clasped her hand to his chest so she could feel his beating heart. “See?”

After almost a year, it became expected that they were both be at any given function, be it private or public. It was odd to see one without the other.

_“Why don’t you ask her dad?”_

_“You love her don’t you?”_

_“You two complete each other.”_

He shrugged them off, telling them he was too old for another marriage. They were happy just let them be, he grumped.

_“Momma, what if he wants to marry you?”_

_“What would you tell him?”_

She told them not to be silly, he’d had his share of marriages and he wouldn’t be interested in one more, even if it was with her. We have fun, we don’t need anything else, she assured them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sir, with all due respect. If you asked her, she would say yes. She loves you very much.”

“Scott, I’m an old man. We don’t need to get married to know what we mean to each other.”

“It would make her so happy. I see how her eyes light up when you are around, I see how she smiles." 

“Has she asked you to say this?”

“No sir. I just know she’s in love.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As things tend to happen, she had to enter the hospital again. This time he was there when she went in and he didn’t leave her bedside. The children were all there, coming and going at various times, but he patiently stayed, refusing to leave her this time, just when she needed him the most.

Her eyes fluttered open on the third day and as they focused on him, she smiled. “You’re here.”

“I’m here.” he confirmed. “Always.”

“Thank you.” her voice rasped and she broke into a coughing spell. “I always knew you would be.”

“Will you marry me? Please say yes and make me the happiest old man alive.”

“Yes. I will marry you. I’ve been waiting so long to hear those words from your lips.”

He stood and sat on the edge of her bed, gazing at his love. “Thank you. I love you so much.”

She gestured, her arms outstretched and he lay beside her, taking her in his arms. Her head nestled into his chest, the sound of his heartbeat soothing in her ear.


End file.
